Telly addicts

It may not be particularly interesting to go on about shit on the telly, but I’m going to do it anyway. I have to, because it really pisses me off. I know I know, I should just turn it off, but sometimes, especially when I’m feeling a combination of hung over and still very much drunk as I awake on a Sunday morning (for morning read afternoon), I only have enough energy to reach out and press the power button the once. If the remote is far enough out of reach to warrant actual movement in order to grasp it, it gets left where it is. This can then lead to a devastating situation involving my eyes and ears, and Hollyoaks. I’m not going to bore you by complaining about this fucking dog shit of an abomination to programme making, save to say that everyone involved in its development and production should be culled and not replaced. I won’t labour the point when it comes to the undiluted hatred in its purest form that I feel towards the talentless, over pruned peacocks, strutting about that shitty fucking set with their ridiculous fake tans and bleached teeth, reciting lines from officially the worst scripts ever written in history! I won’t do that because I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, and besides, Holly-arseholes-oaks isn’t the most annoying thing I have had the misfortune to accidently witness on the TV today, hard as that may be to believe. A much more infuriating assault on the senses comes from the patronising advertisements separating Hollyoaks into smaller, more manageable segments for the simple minded viewers to digest.

Fucking Nat West! Holy shit! I literally cannot believe how massively poor those adverts are. Any advert involving ‘real people’ played expertly by actors and actresses too awful to even be considered for a walk on part in Hollyoaks, gets precisely on the very tips of my nerves, but this, this incredible feat in rage inducing, condescending, feeble advertising is by far the worst of the whole disgusting bunch. It is even worse than confused dot bleeding com. I know what you’re thinking, but trust me on this, it is worse. Giving advice on how to save money? Get to fuck. Is there really something to be taught about saving money? Is that what you’re telling me there at Nat West? I’m no banker, I’m not a chartered accountant, but I’m pretty sure the main thing to ‘learn’ when it comes to saving money is don’t spend it. It’s ok, I’ve grasped that concept firmly, I don’t need to be told how it works by someone with a name badge. I could be wrong. Maybe there is an array of complicated techniques that need to be explained extremely slowly to us all by ludicrous cretins in the most patronising tone of voice imaginable. Perhaps if we’d had that sort of inane bullshit spoon fed to us in years gone by we wouldn’t be suffering from such a huge slump in the economy. Yes. The more I think about it the more it makes sense. The fact that global capitalism is based on hugely corrupt financial systems which create a market prone to periodical recessions has nothing to do with it. The reason we’re in the financial shit is because we didn’t listen to the cravat wearing lady with skin the colour of a satsuma and drawn on eyebrows when she told us about the Nat West’s exciting new saving package which involves the revolutionary system of them holding on to our money for us.

Patronising adverts it would seem are everywhere. I’m in no mood for that sort of shit today. I don’t need to be told that alcohol is bad for my health, especially not while I have a massive hangover, and I definitely don’t appreciate being lied to about the effects of cannabis. Isn’t it about time we stopped trying to educate morons through their televisions by tilting our heads to the side slightly and looking sympathetic? My telly box is full of 30 second segments designed specifically for the purpose of scaring me into conformity whilst simultaneously selling me something I neither want nor need. There’re even adverts telling us to read books. If the only reason a person reads is because their television tells them to do so, then I’m quite sure whatever their literature of choice is, it won’t do a great deal to expand their tiny mind. I know there are people out there who need to be repeatedly told not to put the sharp thing in their eye, but why do the rest of us have to suffer a society geared towards these idiots? Yes, if we don’t help them then maybe they’ll fall prey to a burglar because their telly didn’t tell them to lock their door. Or perhaps they’ll get food poisoning because Jamie Oliver wasn’t there to tell them about the importance of cooking meat before you eat it. But just because they need help, doesn’t mean they deserve it. If you need to be told what to think, then why think at all?