Monday, 30 July 2012


Just a quick rant for all of the sanctimonious Facebook pricks who insist on continuously sharing their ‘copy & paste’ opinions about subjects they have neither researched nor understood.

If your post includes the phrase ‘99% of people won’t repost this’, there are some things you should know.

Firstly, this isn’t a clever ploy that will encourage me to repost. This is the basest of psychological tricks and only works on the painfully stupid. Using the above phrase serves only to highlight how dense everyone who reposts it is. Every time you use this phrase, people become annoyed with you, perhaps as many as 99% of people.

Secondly, if you post something worthwhile, interesting, witty or clever on facebook, people will share it. If you post something moronic, tedious or incorrect, people will share it. Many people like to find and share things on the internet. They do not need to be tricked into doing so.

Third and most importantly, I would have more time for your generic campaigns of bullshit if it weren’t for the fact that you’re the kind of self righteous twat that only starts to give a fuck about an issue the second it affects you personally.

You make me want to vomit out my skull.

Kindly fuck off so far up your own arse that your head comes out of your mouth and goes up your arse again and you become a fucking colon paradox. 

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Pressing Matters

I find myself struggling with a dilemma today. A battle between which I despise the most, enforced censorship, or journalists who refuse to control their own output via a sense of morality and truth. Surely journalists’ self monitoring is preferable to a society that is manoeuvred into a position where imposing stricter censorship laws on us all sadly becomes the consequence of the actions of these cretins. No longer, it would seem, can we rely on common decency to prevent false information, lies and total fabrications of ‘stories’ making their way into our mainstream media. We are heading towards, and in many cases have already arrived at, a new cultural juncture where morals fall by the wayside and every action is perfectly acceptable just so long as there isn’t a new law preventing it. Freedom of expression will be gone as we are forced to rely on the government to instruct us in the differences between right and wrong.

Already we are witnessing this change. People are making decisions based on whether they can legally get away with their actions rather than whether they feel that their behaviour is acceptable or justified. This may be an ongoing theme on this blog, journalists lie and the government steals our liberties. Yes, it’s very old hat and yes I’m sure you already knew all that, but today’s rant is more about the connection between the two. This social decline plays directly into the hands of the great oppressors the government, who gleefully place more restrictions on our freedoms under the false guise of protecting us from the actions of the unscrupulous few. And while the masses are whipped once more into a frenzied state of outrage, the rest of us have to suffer the inevitable knee jerk reaction from the government which will undoubtedly involve their increased control of our lives.

So how do we reverse this downward spiral? How do we prevent these parasitical ‘journalists’ from over stepping the mark without diving head first into complete censorship? The answer, my friends, is simple....we arm ourselves to the teeth! We make it known that the spreading of untruths and the misrepresentation of people by the media will be met with horrendous consequences for the offenders.

This, at first, may seem to be a somewhat harsh tactic, but it will definitely work. I know it will work because it is based entirely on this country’s nuclear policy. The government feels it is necessary for us to have a huge nuclear arsenal in order to encourage other governments to be more pliable through fear. This has been the policy of successive governments for many years, therefore it must be a brilliant idea and we should adopt its principles immediately. There is a small flaw in this plan though as several other countries also have their own nuclear arsenals, meaning that any arguments between governments could lead to a gigantic, human race ending war. This could easily transfer to our ‘war against censorship’ if journalists were to also arm themselves. But the government have already thought of that, they are, after all, not stupid. A gigantic human race ending war will not happen because of “mutual fear”. This is of course the same “mutual fear” that prevented the First World War from happening.

Now, the problem with that theory is of course that the First World War did happen, although I’m sure the government will find it easier to sweep that fact under the carpet now that ‘The Great War’ has passed from living memory save for people who at the time were too young to have been involved. Taking this into account I think this hitch is possibly a good enough reason to scrap the ‘let’s all arm ourselves in the name of freedom of speech’ plan.

This causes me some concern. Not only do I no longer have any means of forcing journalists out of the gutter, as my plan has turned out to be complete bullshit, but this also highlights that the inspiration for my plan, governments around the world having nuclear weapons, is a massively stupid idea! This should be a terrifying thought. This should be making people angry, and it does, but only a small proportion of our society. The rest are preoccupied with piss poor television such as Noel Edmond’s best of deal or no deal and Vernon Kay presiding over a couple of pricks making paper aeroplanes. The masses have no time to protest against or even think about the consequences of the proliferation of nuclear weapons. Like the rest of us, these people do get angry, but unlike us, they need to be told what to be angry about. They save their outrage for whoever the press are misrepresenting this week. The thought of checking these ‘facts’ printed in the papers never even crosses their minds. This leads to people believing shit like Brian Logan’s piece in The Guardian where he callously takes things that comedian Richard Herring said out of context to give the impression that his stand up routine is racist, when it is in fact the complete opposite.

This is by no means as big a news story as the phone tapping allegations but it all amounts to the same thing. People are fed lies which cause them to be wrongly outraged, and the press get away with it because this behaviour puts the government in a win-win situation. Either they allow this bullshit reporting to continue distracting the masses from the important issues, or they put a stop to it by imposing draconian laws which eradicate our liberty.

Friday, 10 July 2009


It’s been a while. I’ve been so busy dealing with cretins I haven’t had time to rant. I need to get back into the swing of things. Maybe I should be topical and complain about the startling revelation that the...oh...what’s the word? Hacks? Shysters? No, editors, that’s it. The startling revelation that editors and ‘journalists’ from Murdoch’s red top brigade are unscrupulous liars, criminals and are generally twats. Well this is a surprise. What a shock, how on earth can it be so?

The fact that this is the big news story (not in The Sun, obviously) is of course justified. This is a big news story. It isn’t, however, a big surprise. I see this merely as proof of what I’ve always suspected. And as the non-Murdoch controlled press exclaim dismay at how anyone in their profession could be as callous as to sink to such low levels in order to generate sales of their respective rags, I can’t help but see this sort of behaviour as being part of the natural progression we should all expect from a society geared towards rewarding those whose actions we abhor.

The perfect example is disgraced, sacked former editor of the Daily Mirror Piers Morgan, or as he is known these days, celebrity judge of Britain’s Got Talent Piers Morgan. This man was responsible for the publication of fake photographs of members of the British armed forces supposedly torturing and humiliating Iraqi prisoners. Obviously the situation in Iraq was fucked up enough due to the ongoing illegal Bush/Blair oil war without this dick-faced cunt stirring up further animosity towards the British troops stationed there.

And what is the punishment for this odious reprobate? The answer is a lucrative television career. He even has his own show where he interviews the likes of Jim Davidson and Jordon. I realise that many of us would consider spending time in the same room as these people as punishment, but I’m pretty sure Piers enjoys the company of his ignorant ilk, and I’m positive that he welcomes the massive pay rise he has achieved since his sacking as editor.

So why wouldn’t the Murdoch clan happily tap people’s phones and pay for illegally obtained information and indeed completely fabricate stories from thin air in order to boost their sales to the mindless masses who read this trash? They clearly have no moral objection to carrying out these actions, we’ve all known that for a very long time, and the only repercussions they are likely to suffer appear to be an increase in wealth and being forced to listen to a racist homophobe and a tedious bimbo who looks like a novelty buoyancy aid.

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Negative Creep

People who don’t get angry should be punched into a paste. Don’t you fuckers realise it’s the people who get riled up, the ones who give a shit about how fucking rubbish things are, that actually change things. It’s the people who shout fucking NO whenever some arse-faced son-of-a-bitch bureaucrat introduces a new bullshit excuse for the eradication of our fucking rights, who help prevent massive cunts controlling our every move, or at least more than they bastard-ing already bleeding fucking do.

Yes, yes shitting YES! I fully understand that having a giant rant in the middle of the night whilst clearly drunk isn’t a “good” idea. Yeah, yeah shut up! I don’t care what you think. Whatever you think is wrong. Yeah, you heard me, or read me or whatever. I’m having a rant. Yes I’m pissed and yes I’m characteristically angry, and YES, this is a self indulgent, uninteresting to anyone but me, repetitive, un-original, nonsensical whine about things which I deem important to myself. So now that we’ve cleared that up. Now that we’re all clear about where we stand, I’ll get started.

Point one. FUCK OFF. Fuck off anyone who doesn’t have a problem with the way things are. With the government, with the strangle hold huge corporations have over us, with the mundane routine we have to tolerate on a daily basis to appease the dick-faced arses whom devised this ludicrous bastardised capitalist culture which we all accept as if it were devised out of evolution rather than fucking cynical design. You are the problem. Your complacency over massive issues is what fuels the massively corrupt, class divided system which controls and oppresses us the real people every day. I say “real people” because the ones at the top, the scum, the controllers, they can’t be real. They just can’t. It surely isn’t possible for such utter cretins to exist in reality.

Point two. ....ah fuck points! I’m sick of this shit already. I can’t even be arsed to fucking educate you fucking morons about why you’re the shite that clogs the revolutionary machine.

It’s very simple. If you’re one of those optimists who like to put a positive spin on everything and ignore the stark reality of life, then you are no fucking use to anybody. Your entire ethos is to have positive things happen to you. It’s a bit like being a hedonist without the added bonus of actually being a fun person to be around. The reality is shit happens. It happens all of the time, to everyone. Some of the shit is caused by nature, most of it is caused by cocks. Now this is the important point, so pay attention all you positive thinking twats. The reason that life is bearable isn’t because you had positive energy flowing throw your motherfucking aura, it’s because the right thinking realists made a concerted effort to prevent the scum (government) from making it any worse than it already is.

That’s it. That’s the point. Things don’t happen because you wish for them to happen. Things don’t change for the better because you didn’t focus on the negative aspects of life. Things improve because people make them improve, instead of hiding behind some bullshit way of life that involves dissolving all responsibility for your own surroundings and focusing purely on yourself.

So in conclusion, complain about everything. Moan, snipe, rant and be a huge pain in the arse of every authority figure you can think of, because if you don’t, maybe no-one else will. Maybe everyone will focus on the good. Maybe we’ll all look on the bright side and think positively. And the scum will continue to eradicate our freedom.

Monday, 6 April 2009

They told me to be angry

Oh for crying out loud! Are we still talking about this bullshit outrage over two comedians making an offensive, fact based joke that wasn’t actually that offensive to anybody except for one man whose racial stereotype has been much more offensive to an entire nation for decades? This whole debacle of reason was referred to as “Sachsgate” on television today. I suppose that’s the sort of lazy journalism I should expect from Channel 5, but when the other choices are ‘Will & Grace’, ‘Bargain Hunt’ and getting out of bed, Channel 5 unfortunately wins.

Today’s rant has been inspired by Ofcom’s decision to fine the BBC and the inevitable pointless media frenzy which is following. I could have avoided witnessing any of this nonsense by simply not watching televisions equivalent to the Sunday Sport, however, rather worryingly, I’m incredibly happy that I decided to tune in to ‘The Wright Stuff’ this morning. I’m happy because if I hadn’t pressed the number five on my remote, I would have missed out on Marcus Brigstocke’s wonderful defence of comedians and his excellent and correct highlighting of the gutter press’ role in whipping suggestible morons into frenzies over mediocre situations. “It’s almost as though the Daily Mail have a vested interest in another media group...almost”. These might not be Marcus’ exact words, as I’m quoting from memory, but that’s pretty close to his brilliant sentence.

The fact that I’m writing about it shows that I too have been sucked into this unnecessary argument. But I have to. I’m overwhelmed with the need to share with you what I witnessed this morning. For those of you lucky enough not to be familiar with the formulaic pattern of ‘The Wright Stuff’, I shall explain. This show consists of a smug looking journalist, namely Matthew Wright, asking a panel of talking heads searching questions such as “are big boobs best?” and “are fat kids stupider than their skinny friends?” These questions are each followed with what, as far as I can gather, is supposed to be some sort of reasoned debate. One of today’s questions was about who should pay the fine levied at the BBC for Russell Brand’s and Jonathon Ross’ “behaviour”. This then lead to Marcus Brigstocke looking genuinely annoyed with the “witch hunt” as he put it, lead by the press. But what then followed was the final, decisive part of ‘The Wright Stuff’ formula which makes for truly cheap, generic television...the viewer phone in section.

First came one or two reasoned comments from callers expressing their dismay at this story still being considered news and debating who, if anyone, should foot the bill for Ofcom’s fine. But then, then came a call from a man I can only describe as basic. This short phone call really gave an insight into the type of person who takes the time to complain about something they neither witnessed, nor were affected by. The timbre and accent of this man’s voice suggested that he was elderly or at least middle aged and had lived in this country, presumably in a small town, for all of his life, and yet inexplicably had still not fully grasped the basics of the English language. I listened intently as this simpleton fumbled through his limited vocabulary searching desperately for the words needed to express his misguided outrage. From knowledge gathered, we can only presume by having newspapers read to him, this man had come to the conclusion that Brand and Ross should foot this bill personally, as it was totally disgusting how they had accused Andrew Sachs of committing incest with his own granddaughter!

This comment was met with laughter by host and panel alike, and lead to Marcus Brigstocke expressing dismay and sheer disbelief with quite possibly the best facial expression I have ever witnessed. The caller was cut off and dismissed as ridiculous immediately and reasoned debate was resumed over whether a £150,000 fine is a good use of licence fee payer’s money.

What a shame all Daily Mail readers aren’t dismissed with the same urgency, instead of us all having to suffer their bile fuelled misinformation as relevant comment. Perhaps this backwards caller could be the catalyst needed to make Ofcom consider only counting complaints as valid if accompanied by a reasonable, sensible explanation for why the complainer was offended in the first place. And perhaps if politicians kept their mouths shut when it came to subjects that have nothing to do with them, instead of trying to score cheap, populist points by jumping on every media driven bandwagon, then maybe we could reverse this ridiculous culture of censorship.

And as for Andrew Sachs, who has been swept along in this media circus and only ever wanted an apology for an answer phone message which offended him personally, perhaps he should realise that his fame hungry granddaughter Georgina Baillie knew exactly what she was doing when she had sex with Russell Brand, a man famous for, amongst other things, womanising. I’m pretty sure that Russell Brand didn’t have anything to gain from ‘leaking’ tales of his shenanigans with a mediocre page 3 wannabe, which begs the question how did this story enter the public domain in first place? If you’re going to attempt to use the fame of a comedian, who has his own radio show, to callously further your own ‘career’, then you should expect some sort of retort.