Languid language

The wow factor, the credit crunch. We have blue sky thinking outside the box. Chefs are reducing it down before frying it off while we utilise our skill sets to multitask in order to generate a buzz amongst our target demographic of hoodies, youths and members of the over 50 plans that encourage peace of mind as they unlock our wealth that is inexplicably trapped within our properties which aren’t homes any more, they’re commodities full of dual aspect ‘good sized’ bedrooms with neutral decor which is clearly superior to any sort of colour.

When did the way in which we are spoken to become such ludicrous bullshit? Utter nonsense in language just passes us by on a daily basis without the perpetrators ever being questioned. No, instead they are followed. Let’s copy these people for they are the way forward. The future clearly lies within a vague non language built on the core values of skirting round a subject without ever saying what we mean or getting to the bloody point.

Some of the worst culprits are of course the politicians. People who build careers on their ability to not answer questions were always going to be at the forefront of a new exciting way of speaking based on buzz words and catch phrases. “Knife crime is up, but overall crime is down” they say whilst simultaneously looking concerned, smug, sympathetic, irritating and disingenuous as they are interviewed by Andrew Marr. “ But we have a substantial regeneration project underway which will create new horizons for the troubled core of minority cases which still, unfortunately, exist despite our previous best efforts to facilitate their growth within the ever changing micro communities which exist on the outer inner boundaries of our otherwise goal focused, enterprise developing society which will, we predict due to extensive focus group based studies, provide a catalyst for this new non-under-lower-apprentice generation which we think will prove to provide the sort of blue sky thinking we need during this worldwide, global, international slump-crunch which is most definitely, in all probability not our fault or even anything to do with us whatsoever.” I can’t remember who said all that, but those were their exact words.

The media is more than happy to flood every publication and programme with this bollocks. In fact, the media has developed an interesting trait of late of assuming we know exactly what they’re on about when they spout this drivel, but then feel the need to explain when mentioning something that we really should already know and understand. I often wonder who it is they are trying to help when they write sentences that start with “The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, today said...”

Is there really anyone alive today of an age where they might consider reading a newspaper, who doesn’t know the name of the Prime Minister? Is this the stage we have reached? It’s turned out to be such a massive hassle trying to educate these idiots that we’ve resigned ourselves to the notion that the only way we’ll all be able to communicate with them is if we lower ourselves to their basic level.

As the saying goes, ‘if you can’t beat them, join them.’ Well I’ve got a plank of wood with a nail sticking through it, so I think I’ll chose the beat them option.