Mandelson lives!

Now, generally, hearing someone say “Mandelson lives” would be enough to ruin my day. But today it is especially annoying. Why? Because I awoke today with possibly the most positive and uplifting sentence I have ever heard, nestled comfortably at the forefront of my thoughts. A sentence that holds so much potential for good that I actually started this morning with a smile on my face. The aforementioned sentence is “Peter Mandelson has refused police protection.” I detected a chipper tone in the news reader’s voice when she uttered these glorious words yesterday evening, as I got my usual fill of passive aggressive scaremongering and censorship from the BBC. A tone that suggested, to me at least, that she was implying there’s an open season for all terrorists, radicals, anarchists and passer bys who fancy a pop at Peter Mandelson. I suppose I should be referring to him as Lord Mandelson...but no. I much prefer disgraced, lying, cancerous haemorrhoid Mandelson. Unfortunately, my joy was short lived as I turned on my television today, only to not hear a news report about an attack at Whitehall involving 47,000 perpetrators, and only one target. No of course not. This would never happen. What sane, west hating, radical terrorist (hmm, might want to re-think those last five words) would want to harm a man who has done more for lowering the morale of a country than 100 bombs could ever do. No, the thinking man’s radical knows that Mandelson has a far superior track record for terrorising this nation than any murderous psychopath you’d care to mention, and therefore he must be preserved. Throwing green custard, as welcome a sight as it was, really doesn’t achieve anything, now does it? All anyone is talking about is that the arsehole deserved it, the message the lady was trying to get across was somewhat lost amidst the collective hatred this nation feels for Mandelson, rather than becoming the focal point of the ensuing news reports. That’s not surprising though. A man whose oratory skills regularly generate a nationwide wince, and has the likeability of a sour hacksaw cut to the genitals, is bound to generate a hatred towards himself amongst the general population, far more powerful than any hatred towards bad policy. That’s the sad truth of how fickle the masses are, and these are just the ones who know who Mandelson is. A much better idea would have been to hold him down and tattoo a list of policy ideas across his stupid face. Then you could be sure that policy would be at the forefront of the nation’s minds. I bet they’d do a feature of the tattoo artist on the culture show.